Week 2

Creating & Holding Boundaries

Boundaries in relationships are the limits and rules we set for ourselves that help us identify safe, reasonable and permissible ways to relating with others.

It is having the self-awareness to know when to say “no” to others (or ourselves) when we need to, and being able to open ourselves up to intimacy and vulnerability as well.

By knowing where you end and others begin - you develop a sense of Self that is free to be apart from another person and therefore able to have your own thoughts, feelings and choices.

But before we go about trying to learn how to create, and more importantly, hold our boundaries, the first step is examining why boundaries are necessary in the first place.

You might wonder like I did:

-Why do I have poor boundaries?
-Why is it so difficult for me to say “no” to someone?
-Why do I keep failing to hold up my end of a commitment, with things such as Self-Care?

As someone who’s recovering from having loose boundaries, I remember always deferring to other people and trying to figure out what they wanted to ensure that they were happy.

I would rearrange my schedule to suit theirs or do things I didn’t really want to just because I knew they’d be upset if I didn’t.

I was opening and closing my boundaries based on the reactions of other people, as opposed to honouring my own integrity.

Perhaps, if I knew what I stood for and what was important to me, I’d be better able to protect my personal boundaries.

But truthfully speaking, it goes deeper than writing out a list of our values.

It begins with the belief that I had, which was:

“If I can make other people happy, I will be happy.”

As the saying goes: Happy _____(wife, husband, partner, kids, dog, workplace), happy life.

What this meant was that my happiness was dependant on how other’s were feeling.

The notion of having personal boundaries was irrelevant because what mattered was knowing how they felt, not how I felt.

My partner would always wonder what was going on, like they could sense that something was wrong. I always said “I’m fine.” I honestly thought that I was, because I didn’t know what I was feeling because I never spent time investigating how I actually felt.

As time went on, no matter what I did to sacrifice myself in order to keep the illusion of our relationship alive, nothing really worked.

She wanted to lived with me so we moved into an apartment together (even though I wanted to live alone), I spent money I didn’t really have to go on vacations to spark our romance, I helped her start her business while mine was struggling to stay afloat - all things I didn’t really want to do, but felt I needed to, to keep it all from falling apart.

With all the effort I went through to make someone else happy, how come I wasn’t any happier? How come our relationship wasn’t working?

I remember thinking:

-I am doing all of these things for them, yet they don’t appreciate me.
-They don’t give as much as I do
-And they’re certainly not as committed as I am.

The expectation for others to read my mind and behave the way I thought they should was ultimately a subtle and nasty form of control and manipulation.

Most of this is subconscious, and I truly thought that I meant well when I was trying to help my ex better her life, but the expectations that she would return the favour was unfair - all because of the belief that her happiness should equate to my happiness.

The preliminary step of debunking this belief and developing emotionally as an adult was knowing that I am solely responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and actions, and so are others.

I had to understand that my happiness and well-being is derived from my Relationship to Self, and not from objects, people or experiences outside of me.

However, prior to all the work that I’ve done in the past few years, I didn’t have a Relationship to Self.

I could be alone without people around me, but I wasn’t comfortable unless I had something to distract me.

I needed to stay busy in some way: a stressful job, a new relationship, a podcast or adventure.

Although I felt more confident in myself as I was achieving more in my life, I was still dependent on my circumstances for me to feel a certain way about who I was.

The reason why it took so long to develop a Relationship to Self (and maintain my self-care) was because it would be the start of facing the reality that I am a separate human being.

That I am ultimately responsible for every part of my life (including my happiness) and that by having boundaries that state “where I begin and you end” it would reinforce the understanding that we are in fact separate.

This realization was difficult to stomach - as behind the curtains of this existential awareness was also the very basic, primal fear of being alone.

Avoiding this fear was what led me to continually give myself away - under the guise of helping people and creating connection. At the end of the day, it was a means of subduing the uncomfortable feelings that I didn’t want to look at.

Initially, the work of creating and holding of boundaries was emotionally painful and challenging, but eventually, it became liberating and empowering to experience myself as my own person.

Ironically enough, the autonomy created more capacity for me to connect closely with people - as I no longer had the fear of losing myself.

The truth is - we can be both separate and interconnected human beings at the same time.

To live the wisdom of this truth, we must first experience it with ourselves. We must learn to separate our own thoughts and feelings from others and develop the capacity to take care of our own well-being and overtime, creating a deep and intimate connection inside ourselves.

The connection and intimacy that we seek with others is fundamentally generated from our own Relationship to Self. It is not something that is created solely with one person, or experience - it is an expression of what is already created within.

And so the tools and time spent in this program are provided to you as a means of growing your resilience to embracing the uncomfortable emotions that come with being alone. By doing so, you will have more ability to accept the same uncomfortable emotions in others when they show up, and not have to feel like you need to reject them or make them wrong.

When we have our personal foundation be built upon our Relationship to Self, we no longer feel the need to please or control other people - as they are not the source of our well-being.

Even if conflicts arise and relationships turn sour, we can allow them to run it’s natural course of decay (as relationships are typically not forever) because we recognize that the our primary relationship is with ourselves first.

In turn we are better able to set boundaries for ourselves - as in knowing what we need and want in life and creating the conditions for that to happen.

An example of a boundary may be: going to sleep by 10pm so that you get ample rest.

Setting it is one thing, holding the boundary is a whole other ballgame.

When the time comes when you’re out late with a friend and they nudge you to stay longer, (even after you’ve told them that you want to leave early so you can get ready for bed) - being acutely present to the sensations in your body is of great importance.

By being in touch with the signals in our “gut” that alert us of our integrity at risk, that is the moment in which we can respond differently than how we used to and speak up for ourselves.

What was once a terrifying act to say with conviction “no thanks, I’m going home early tonight,” can now be an empowering one.

The difference is in being able to develop a sense of emotional safety within ourselves through the practices of tuning in and regulating our bodies which allows us to both recognize the potential breach of boundary and overcome our fears of upsetting others.

The confidence to say “no” to someone is also the confidence to know that they can handle a negative response, as well as our own.

Boundaries is less about safe-guarding the rules and restrictions we create for ourselves - as this can come off as being aggressive or rigid.

Rather than being ruled by black or white lines, we can attune to every moment and respond creatively to what the situation requires.

More often than not, when we lead from this place, people respect and honour us for voicing our boundaries.

Perhaps they can see that when we are honouring our own truth, it inspires them to do the same.